I am most certainly, definitely not looking for a new job

" Yes of course, we are expediting your order" I said at a volume louder than I would normally use when talking on my cell phone at work.  I had to, I was talking to a recruiter and a co-worker walked by.  Talking to these recruiters makes me Crazy paranoid.  It's kinda like the 50's when everybody was worried they would be snitched out for being a commie. Today, we're all worried about getting caught looking for a new job.

Last week I ran out of the building and sat in my car to talk to one of these guys.  There I was sitting in the employee parking lot at 10am with a cell phone to my head.  That doesn't look suspicious does it?



Today I ran to the lobby when a recuiter called.  Sitting in one of those crappy lobby chairs, I used one eye to roam the room as I attempted to conduct my "personalized phone screen".  "So why are you looking for a new job?" he asked as a salesman walked past me.  "What is your target salary?"  I love this one.  Feels like I'm in the doctors office with my pants around my ankles when they ask that.  In the past, I answered both of those questions like a politician.  Now I just blow them out of the water and it seems to work.  "I hate this place and I want a lot of money".  Oddly, no one has made me their prized catch just yet. 



"Now about relocation...." just then my supervisor spots me and walks up to me thinking I'm talking to a customer.  My heart starts racing and I panic.  I stand up phone still attached and my arm starts waving uncontrollably.  I'm not doing this I think, this is adrenaline.  I'm no longer in control of my own limbs.  For goodness sake, now I'm jumping around like a jack rabbit.  This is bad.  This is really bad. I'm going to get fired.

The supervisor sees my animation and wisely determines that I'm talking to a customer.  I'm going to land that prized account he thinks.  He's super smart like that.  He leans in, looks me squarely in the eye and without a word gives me the "thumbs up" and waddles away.  What a clown.

I end my call with the recruiter, stumbling back to my cube.  I'm drained from the experience, sweaty and shaken.  Walking past a co-worker I see her with a cell phone attached to her head.  Her company land line is untouched.  She seems startled that I observed her.  "Yes sir we can get that order out, pronto!" she says loudly.  Goodness I think to myself, everybody around here is talking to customers.


Throw me a note when you get a chance.  My job gives me plenty of material for "The Corporate Clown".  I bet yours does too.  sommbeer@gmail.com

If you need some liquid therapy from Corporate Clowns try some beer!  I'm a Beer Sommelier.

http://sommbeer.com/

Corporate Clowns Play Hot Potato

Decisions Decisions

We had a major decision to make last week.  This decision was so vitally important that the wrong move could destroy us.  Specifically, we had to decide if we should raise or lower our prices.  The wrong decision could propel us into prosperity or sink us into bankruptcy.

We never made the decision.

Instead we played the Corporate Hot Potato game.

I proposed that we should raise our prices.  So top brass decided that we should have a meeting.  I groaned openly as I knew where this was headed.  We invited finance, sales, purchasing, materials, marketing and the janitor.  We then sat around the table and discussed the merits of raising or lowering prices.  Theories were discussed and everyone babbled non-sense.

In the Corporate Clown world of rules, managers only want to claim responsibility for good decisions.  This requires a lot of revisionist history as senior management doesn't statistically make too many good decisions. They therefore have to claim someone else's decision as their own - after the fact.  They've claimed a lot of mine.

That new product gizmo that we launched last year?  They made that.  That new marketing blitz?  They did that.  Clowns.

Marketing and sales didn't want to raise prices so they basically filibustered.  Babbling more non-sense until the meeting was almost over they knew no decision would be made.I could feel my blood pressure rising and my face turning red.  No one wanted to be marked with a bad decision.  I had to do something! Suddenly,  I could hear myself blurting something out, my heart racing "we need to Lower our prices".  They all looked at me with eyes as wide as little orphan Annie.  I turned the argument 180 degrees and they were confused.  I removed myself as a target.  I was no longer pushing higher prices and I purposely flip flopped.  They didn't know what to do.

They decided to form a committee.  If we weren't on the first floor I would have jumped from the window.

Lunch arrived.  Thankfully it was a buffet.  If they had to decide what to order they would have starved.

Throw me a note when you get a chance.  My job gives me plenty of material for "The Corporate Clown".  I bet yours does too.  sommbeer@gmail.com

If you need some liquid therapy from Corporate Clowns try some beer!  I'm a Beer Sommelier.

http://sommbeer.com/

That New Employee Smell

This never happens - ever.

I could here them coming from 4 cubes down.  It was another manager pulling his "new hire" around the office for the ritualistic "meet and greet".  I hate it.  Here's the scenario; the manager walks around, coffee mug in hand, and introduces their fresh meat to everyone else.  It's tense.  The manager struggles to remember everyone's name while the current employees just sit there trying to size the new guy up.



It happened to me today.

As they approached the cube next door, I could hear the dread in the manager's voice.  He just wanted to get through this.  He couldn't remember names and probably wasn't sure his new recruit was a "keeper".  The new employee sounded like a babe in the woods, all nervous and friendly.  Soon, they finished next door and I was about to have my turn.

Truth be told, the manager's beer gut was first to enter "my space".  Where's the gym buddy?  Goodness what a clown.  No formalities here, he jumped right in "Hi this is -----  (already forgot the name) and he will be working in -------(I don't care)".  He then motioned to me awkwardly.  It was obvious he had forgotten my name, my position who I was not sure. not sure - but I was not going to help him.  Pointing to me he said "This is...um... ahhh...he works here with the ...and he can help you with..".  Nope,silence.  Nothing from me you clown.

Perhaps I should have helped.  It's important however to show no weakness in front of the fresh catch.  You don't know who they really are on their first day.  They seem timid at first, but that's only because they don't know where the bathrooms are.  Heck they don't even know if we have bathrooms.

By their 2nd week they're comfortable enough to start yelling at you.  By their 1st year they're sporting a beer gut, walking around with a coffee mug introducing somebody ......

Throw me a note when you get a chance.  My job gives me plenty of material for "The Corporate Clown".  I bet yours does too.  sommbeer@gmail.com

If you need some liquid therapy from Corporate Clowns try some beer!  I'm a Beer Sommelier.

http://sommbeer.com/

Meetings to plan for Meetings

At my company we are obsessed about meetings.  Some start in the morning others extend well into the evening.  Some last so long they cater lunch.  Those are the worst.  I sit in the same chair for 2 hours and then choke down a stale sandwich.  Trust me, don't touch their potato salad, it's been sitting in the lobby for 2 hours.  There are no free lunches let me assure you.


We have so many meetings that nothing gets done.

Management sits for hours talking to themselves.  When that gets old they call in the people that actually do the work.  The conference rooms soon become like a bad horror movie.  You know the ones.  People keep walking into that scary house and never leave?  A dozen employees held up in a conference room for 2+ hours and productivity for that group comes to a screeching halt.

The grand pinnacle for these meetings is something held near and dear to top brass - Annual Management Meetings.  These are torture.  They are horrible simply because they have to pretend they are more important than the last 100 meetings you have had with the same people.  This is a special meeting.  It's special so you really have to suffer, or so goes the thinking.



This brings me to yesterday's surreal experience.  I attended a meeting to prepare for our Quarterly Management Meeting.  I sat through a 40 page Power Point presentation that taught me how to prepare my Power Point presentation. I wish I was making this up. It taught  me how to indicate positive trends (up arrow) and negative trends (down arrow).  With every new slide I could feel the pressure on my chest increasing.  When they asked for questions halfway through, a couple of idiots actually had questions.  I couldn't take it.  I was drowning in the corporate weight of meeting mania and I was the only one that seemed to see how these clowns were behaving.  Then they called me out and asked for my direct input.  I asked about the up arrows.

Tell me if you've had the same pleasure of a Meeting about a Meeting. sommbeer@gmail.com

Throw me a note when you get a chance.  My job gives me plenty of material for "The Corporate Clown".  I bet yours does too.  sommbeer@gmail.com

If you need some liquid therapy from Corporate Clowns try some beer!  I'm a Beer Sommelier.

http://sommbeer.com/